It’s getting harder to stay optimistic about dating in today’s world and it’s no wonder dating has been dully dubbed by locals as “Mjolo The Pandemic”. It gets especially harder once you hit the 25 year mark – your baggage train of heartbreaks, bad first dates, online dating and failed talking stages seems to get even longer. But fret not! According to dating and relationship coach, Refiloe Khameli, there is hope yet! Not all is lost in the game of love. Refiloe helps answer the burning questions on everyone’s minds about dating in a post pandemic consumerist society; from how to stand out in the dating pool, how to prepare yourself for healthy romantic connections, and understanding the landscape of dating today for your own benefit.  

A little about Refiloe…

After 16 years as the right hand to MDs and CEO’s, Refiloe did what many of us want but often fear – she took charge of her own destiny and used her burning hunger for “more” to persue being her own boss. This would see her bud into enterpreneurship – starting businesses that solved problems close to her heart. One of these was helping singles find love across borders in the middle of a pandemic and an isolating “new normal” where human connection was the new currency. She, along with her business partner, sought to give people means to explore dating in an innovative and meaningful way. An endeavor that has since seen her launch her own TV show about the everyday challenges and joys of dating as well as a match making platform called Stryke Dating. She’s also a mom and wife that’s on a mission to “change the world one mindset at a time” through The Mindset Mistress, a platform where she helps people get through self limiting beliefs and achieve their goals in life.

Tell us about Stryke Dating

“Enter 2020, a few months into Covid-19 and the lockdown, many of my friends had this to say: “How are we ever going to meet “the one” locked inside the house?” That is when my entrepreneurial spirit kicked in. Looking at how much time most people spent on Zoom, I thought, surely finding love is also possible this way?”

“I rolled my sleeves and began running polls on my social media, and asking questions that would eventually see me launching Stryke Dating – helping singles find love across borders, in the middle of a pandemic and without any complicated artificial intelligence such as apps. The matchmakers are real people, the stakeholders are real people, the singles are also real people.

Is “mjolo” (dating) really “the pandemic” as it’s been dubbed? 

My view is that this is a mindset matter that can be reframed.  If you tell yourself there are no jobs, all you will encounter are regrets, whereas if you cross your eyes to the good news experienced by others to draw lessons and inspiration, chances of your own success increase.  Social media trends cannot be all you go on, ask yourself: “What about myself can improve so that I make better choices of who I date and how I relate?”

Through Stryke Dating, what interesting things have you come to learn about the dating scene in South Africa. 

hahahaha! How much time do you have?

These 3 lessons stand out:

1. A lot of singles, predominantly men, do not like to disclose that they are single or looking.  They believe that mystery contributes to their allure.

2. Although we are a nation that is passionate – about sports, politics and many other topics,  the passion about our own wellness has, sadly, only spiked through the last 3-5years.  At Stryke, our ethos is for single people to prioritise wellness on their dating journeys.  Toxicity in relationships leads to trauma, violence, absent parents, and that has a ripple effect on our communities.  The well single makes for a great partner, thus increasing the chances of the relationship succeeding.

3. Queer dating is excluded in mainstream events and matchmaking offerings available.  Understanding the landscape of SA and our diversity, Stryke Dating has been on a 16 month journey with a research partner to come up with inclusive ways to pursue and find love.

What would you say are some of the challanges facing anyone looking for the perfect match right now? (men and women) 

1. The threat of materialism and being money forward, before getting to know one another.  Real love cannot be about vibes and baecation pictures. It takes real discernment, vulnerability and some amount of emotional resilience that transcends the norming forming storming phase of getting to know each other. That has popularly become the specifc moment that people quit.

2. Safety, especially of women.  Going on a date can land one on a missing poster real quick in this country and it is gut-wrenching.  I cannot disregard the amount of danger men are also in – danger of a different kind: false (revenge) accusations of rape & pressure to fund a certain living standard of the couple in a struggling economy.

What role does social media play in our dating choices and standards?

1. Aspirational role, on a positive note.  We get inspiration from #couplegoals posts, we also get our views challenged in the case of the nitty-gritties of relating. For example, a post about a man cooking for his wife or girlfriend will trend and most of us can all reflect and aspire to be better partners.

2. The toxic side of social media is the often fabricated scourge of “living large” that leaves us feeling under pressure to acquire a life of luxury in order to seem desirable to a potential mate.  

What are some tips on how to make oneself stand out in the dating pool for those of us still looking for “the one”? 

Be kind and courteous – that allows you to see & hear people.  When people feel seen and heard by you, they tend to break down their walls and open up, allowing an atmosphere of authenticity & transparency.  Without those two, it is near impossible to build a genuine connection.

Be yourself. Adopt an attitude of wholeness.  You are amazing and enough, with your quirks and kinks.  A false impression will crack down the line leading to conflict and failure in your dating exploits

How can one prepare themselves for good dating experiences? 

1. Lead with what your intention is… speak up and early on.  You’d be surprised at how many people are ‘not looking for something serious’ together.  This also helps you not waste each other’s time.

2. When going on dates, try something you are both new at – that evens out the playing field and lets you in on how your potential mate handles stress/anxiety.  That way, you will learn more than what they tell you.