“I gotta find peace of mind…” Lauryn Hill sings beautifully, painfully with conviction about wanting to get over someone she loves, in a love song that becomes a tearful prayer. I would like to believe that we have all loved people and struggled to get over them. One minute you are cursing them, remembering all the things they put you through and how foolish you would be to get back with them, also you know very well, you want them back in your life.

I met the love of my life at the wrong time. I have never loved anyone the way I love him. That Human Rights lawyer from America stood a chance, and maybe the Cuban-Egyptian but they were nowhere near the Zulu man I fell in love with, by chance. By chance because they were not the typical guy I would go for. All the guys I have dated tend to be similar in maybe style or career. I have dated “main character” men, who make sure they are seen and heard whether on TV or in the places they frequent. He was different. Calm, quiet, a traditionalist, spiritual, highly educated, fit, intelligent, generous and above all, seemed to mirror my life. Falling in love with him was not planned but in hindsight, spirit called us to each other, we are leaves from the same branch. He made sense, from the first meeting with his brother. I was intrigued but not smitten.

The more time I spent with him, the more I felt at home, grounded, seen, heard, loved and safe. I gave him the same love. I became his peace, his lover and cheerleader. But as life would happen, our fairytale came to an abrupt end. A lot of learnings were to happen to each of us separately. My world crashed. I was shattered, he disappeared out of my life, I would only ever see him when out, see him with his friends, or the new lady he is dating now. Every time I see him, months into this life-changing heartbreak, the ache in my soul grows deeper. I have had all sorts of emotions, anger, grief, a deep sadness, many “Father heal my heart”, “I didn’t deserve that…” and “fuck him..” moments, he is still gone and my heart has had to learn to function without his love. Without his smile, his touch, his scent and laughter.

I have been on several dates as one does when they are hot and single. I don’t like any of these men I sit across at fancy restaurants. I listen to their corny jokes, dismiss their advances to touch me, snarl at them, challenge their stance on politics and ask them for their monies but I don’t want them, I want him. Some could come close; as educated, as successful, funny, dress well, many are single and maybe unlike him, some dabble in little bit of crime and that’s a topic for another day. None of them are him. For that reason, I tell them that because I am funny, sexy and intelligent, my company is enough and no one gets to have sex with me. I refuse to be touched, by them.

I have accepted that we may never be together again, we will never have a conversation, he wants nothing to do with me despite the fact that I have on numerous occasions reached out to him for a conversation. He could be happy where he is and that is the hard pill to swallow. That someone could make him happier, and someone in turn could be happier because of him. I have known pain but accepting this fact that he is done with me is as excruciating today as it was a few months ago when we broke up.

“Take your L and move on” “love yourself lady, he didn’t deserve you” you say. I agree. Accepting my loss was me taking my L layered with shame, humiliation and all sorts of ugly feelings. I did it with grace at times, with ugly sobs in my bathroom and mostly on my pillow and a beautiful smile in public. I have seen him and his friends with his new love. They all look happy and beautiful.

I have made peace with a lot of parts of our relationship including the fact that I am still deeply in love with him and that getting over him will take me a while if ever. I used to pray that he comes back to me, I have stopped. I have just stopped believing that love is for girls like me. What if he comes back? What about the pain he caused me? I will sit here and write pieces on relationships and loving men who don’t love me back, that’s all I can do. I don’t imagine my heart ever opening up to loving anyone again. I love him. He just doesn’t love me. The end.