Unwavering, safe, warm and nurturing are just some of the words which can be used to describe a mother’s love. Although it is often true that a mother’s love is softer than silk, the unfortunate truth is that not every child gets to experience their mother’s love to the fullest.  What happens when someone who was meant to love and support you becomes the one person you need to heal from? How do you begin to love yourself fully when the person who gave birth to you could not?

In her book, The Girl Who Survived Her Mother, author and mother wound recovery coach, Moshitadi Lehlomela details the years of her torturous relationship with her mother. She also maps out the inter-generational nature of trauma within her family. Most importantly, she shares her journey of healing and self-mothering. Lehlomela says she wrote the book to validate the experiences of those who relate to her story, as well as to break the silence and prove that healing is possible.  

“We live in an environment where it’s still taboo to speak on such topics and people would say it’s un-African to hang the dirty laundry. To that, I say we’ve been silent for very long and people keep getting victimised in families. So I’ll be the one to hang the dirty laundry and perhaps create a culture of doing that.”

According to the recovery coach, the ‘mother wound’ is often casually termed as ‘mommy issues’ and can affect both daughters and sons. “It’s the trauma that you get from your relationship with your mother. It could be because of abuse, neglect or even abandonment,” she explained. She also added that there are layers to the ‘mother wound’ as there is the personal mother wound which is only between a particular mother and child, as well as a societal wound. 

“So many of our mothers had internalised misogyny and they were imparting those messages onto us as some sort of protection or perhaps because that’s all they knew. That becomes a part of the collective societal mother wound.” Interestingly, the ‘mother wound’ is often generational and can be a result of a mother’s own personal childhood trauma. “When we are abused, that’s all we know. When children are not given love and care in childhood, it limits their ability to love. And when they become parents, they fall short because they do not have it in them. It was never given to them,” she explained. 

Identifying the ‘mother wound’ 

Although each person’s traumatic experience may differ, there are similarities in how the ‘mother wound’ manifests itself. The first and most obvious sign is the reality of the relationship between mother and child. “Most people are very aware that the relationship with their mother is unhealthy. It doesn’t feel good, nurturing or fulfilling,” she said.  Emotions are also a telltale sign as they influence the decisions we make and how we choose to show up for ourselves and others.“These are often emotions such as shame – the feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. Guilt and the need to people-please or constantly manage the emotions of others can also serve as signs,” said Lehlomela. The same can be said when looking into someone’s attachment style and actions which are reflective of abandonment trauma. 

Daughters and the ‘mother wound’ 

A mother is a daughter’s first template of what it means to be a woman in the world. As such, the mother-daughter relationship is very important. Any neglect or abuse that takes place can very easily be passed down generationally.  Although most people may dismiss the ‘mother wound’ as just ordinary mother-daughter dynamics which are bound to take place when the daughter gets older, Lehlomela clarifies that there is nothing normal about toxicity between a mother and daughter. In fact, there comes a time when it’s very difficult for mothers to allow their daughters to blossom into their best selves because the mothers often don’t know how to hold space for that. “This is why I mention at the start of my book that mothers who give birth to daughters are forced to confront the demons lurking within. Unresolved trauma shows up in relationships with daughters because a mother is then confronted with herself and her beliefs. Oftentimes, this is hard and it’s easier to just use the daughter as an outlet,” explained the author. 

Sons and the ‘mother wound’

The relationship between mother and son shapes the son’s perception of women and what their place is in the world. “And this is why people would say most men date or marry their mothers. If a man grew up seeing their mother working really hard and trying her best to raise them without ever asking for help, they may expect the same from women…, especially in relationships.”

Lehlomela added that another way in which sons tend to be affected by the ‘mother wound’ is through emotional incest. This happens when a mother relies emotionally on a child for needs which an adult relationship would normally provide. “It is very common amongst boy moms or single moms where they treat their sons totally different, even needing their daughters to serve the son because he is the jewel of her eye,” she said. According to the author, the son may sometimes even be expected to fill the shoes of an absent father. Thus, these sons are often parentified and made to take care of their siblings. When young boys have a toxic relationship with their mothers, they grow up to become men who struggle to make their own decisions and may have to first consult their mothers. There is also the guilt that comes with wanting to be their mother’s saviour. 

Hope for healing and permission to heal

The journey of healing includes confronting a past that one would much rather forget. Things are likely to fall apart before the pieces of your broken heart are sewed together again and it is likely to feel like a loss of self.  For this process, Lehlomela recommends endurance, radical acceptance and conscious grieving. “It also helps to get help. It makes a huge difference. Speaking to a therapist or a coach like myself means you have someone who is mirroring your worth back to you. And that’s what you need”. Moreover, she added that the importance of self-mothering cannot be overstated. “People already have it in them to self-mother. They’ve been doing it since they were children. Right now, it’s just recognising that what you needed as a child to survive is not what you need as an adult to thrive,” she advised. 

More than anything, healing includes the tough acceptance of the relationship you have with your mother. This prevents constantly being stuck in the cycle of hoping that things will miraculously get better someday. Additionally, doing the work is not only comforting but also extremely liberating. “There is definitely the other side because I feel like I am on it. There is a side where you now have the discernment and the ability to set healthy boundaries. You have confidence in who you are and are able to make decisions that are for your highest good. Emotions no longer govern your entire existence. The other side comes with constantly discovering new levels of joy and peace, as well as a new level of what it feels like to feel love.”

Giving oneself the gift of patience 

Indeed, there is no denying that the journey of healing is worthwhile. However, it is nowhere near easy and definitely does not happen overnight. As such, the greatest gift to oneself is patience and trust in the process. “I know that many of us grew up in environments where people were not patient with us so we have learnt to always be so hard on ourselves.  But you are going to need so much patience to heal. That’s how you begin to nurture and mother yourself out of the trauma,” she advised.