I am currently serving notice at my job and while the usual story when one is serving notice is that they are moving on to something bigger and better, that’s not the case for me. This girl has no solid plan nor a job lined up.

There are a lot of feelings I am feeling simultaneously – a concoction of good and bad- a reflection of the dichotomy that is this thing we call life. I suppose writing this is the therapy and venting session I need.

The truth is, I have no doubts about the fact that this is not the working environment I want to be a part of. Every day, I feel myself shrinking. I feel disempowered, excluded, unappreciated, and mistrusted. Motivating factors for me in a work environment have always been job satisfaction, being part of a winning team, and knowing that I am making an impact. I enjoy being the golden girl and I am an absolute sore loser, so whenever I’m in the right environment, you can trust that I am a self-driven baddie, but I am also the dryest well in an incoducive environment.

Corporate can leave one going through all sorts of emotions, but I find it so interesting how our traumas and attachment styles dribble us at work as much as they do in our personal lives. I found myself constantly talking myself into “ukubekezela” throughout the months of being in this perdition, even though I was clear about the fact that the problem was leadership or rather, the lack thereof. I kept putting weight and responsibility on myself by constantly wondering if I was trying hard enough, if I was working hard enough, or how I could be the bigger person in situations. Even now, as I leave with all this clarity about my unhappiness, I dabble into moments of questioning.

The final stroke for me was getting my first ever episode of a panic attack in the middle of the M1. Here I was calming myself down, opening my windows and talking myself into breathwork while driving. As a mental health advocate, I knew exactly what was happening to me in that moment, but I should mention that experiencing it firsthand had me feeling a new kind of vulnerability. It was then when I understood that what I had been doing by trying to endure was invalidating my feelings.

Of course, I didn’t stay only in the name of “ukubekezela”. A lot of reasons were at play, one being that in “Cupcake’s” economy, very few of us aord the luxury of sitting at home to nurse our mental health while we search for the “perfect” working environment.

I’ve had to segment the dierent thoughts going through my mind to clarify the next steps I would take. I need the money, but the reality is that at this point, that is all this job is good for – the money. I am not learning, I am not growing, I’m the unhappiest I’ve ever been and my mental health is at stake.

Since I’ve handed in my resignation, I feel a huge sense of relief (which is ironic because, ma’am what’s the plan, huh), but in reflecting on what I could have done better, I realize that I often acted out of frustration and irritation – which led to me behaving pointlessly unkindly given the reality that change in people is rarely inspired by complaining or acting out. I have also learned that many things can be true all at once. Perhaps this decision is irrational, but it’s the best decision for me at the moment so it’s good enough and if I regret it later I will be resilient and forgiving of myself – enough to not hold myself hostage for not having the perfect discernment when my judgment was clouded by being in a toxic environment. Sometimes we are rational and give our best, but that still doesn’t guarantee that we won’t find ourselves having to make these kinds of tough decisions.

So friend, here I am, unemployed and uncertain about how I’m going to pay some bills, but certain that I am healing my inner child by listening to my body and validating my feelings.

I have no idea what the future holds, but in this moment I am hopeful and grateful for the lessons as well as the privilege to make such a decision. I also surrender to God completely open to whatever plans He has in store for me.