It is normal to want to experience companionship. Perfectly normal, in fact. According to Erik Erikson’s life stages in psychology, the 20s-40s are about finding love in what is dubbed as the Intimacy versus Isolation stage. As we grow and develop from infancy, there are various stages we are set to conquer successfully to progress to the following stage of life. In infancy for instance we wrestled with Trust versus Mistrust where a baby is uncomfortable being in the arms of a stranger through crying for their mother or a familiar face-we are here now. 

Any stage missed or failed catches up with us later in life. Take for example the Identity versus Role Confusion life stage between the ages 12-18 which precedes the 20s stage of intimacy versus isolation. I believe there are so many unnecessary casualties in the world of love as a result of missed or failed identity stages across the board. The notion ‘take time to find yourself’ is loosely used after a failed relationship but holds so true. It talks to dissecting if the previous stages was truly passed. This does not mean failed relationships are underpinned by this hypothesis in isolation. Many factors contribute to the breakdown of relationships, but when we are able to confidently cite an intact identity stage for both parties involved, almost half the battle is won.

When one is unclear about who they are, how can they truly know what they want? On what basis is it premised–societal expectations? Friends? Family? In the Notebook movie, Noah, a frustrated in-love young man asked a confused Allie what she truly wanted in the face of two marriage proposals in the face of extreme family pressure for what they wanted for her. At that moment she had to extricate what she wanted for herself. It is never easy to make correct choses when we have not refined an independent sense of self. Our decisions are always based on what people think, or what would ideally be expected of us by those we care about. 

All of these life stages hinge on each other to form a complete puzzle. What then is the best way to heal a life-stage not properly coordinated? Or a skipped one? When it comes to these issues, we sound like broken records—yes, therapy. Redemption exists. It comes with a lot of digging, breaking and fixing. 

A renewed sense of identity affords better choices for what we believe we deserve. We are in a better position to reciprocate love and not be selfish takers. Self-awareness leads to accountability and growth. Instead of running from one relationship to the next in the sight of ‘reasonable’ disagreements, where one is able to dissect issues without being defensive. With that being said, it does not mean that red flags are negotiated, or unacceptable scenarios tolerated–no. 

This is to say as you spend this day alone, there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to be loved. It is perfectly normal. You are not desperate or impatient. As you probably spend the day without a bouquet of red roses with a cute love note, this is an opportunity for you to set the standard for how you want to be treated and loved. Fill your bathtub with your go-to bubble bath, light those candles, play that soft music and wear your favourite scent. Write yourself a love note, take yourself out to your favourite dinner spot. You are worth it. Love in most times comes in like a thief in the night when you least expect it. True freedom begins the day we are okay with things not going our way, and finding joy in little moments. When love does knock, may it find you healed and ready to embrace it.